Why I Came out as Autistic
Where do I even begin?
February 2019: It’s painful to remember feeling a chill underneath my sternum, heart weighed down, mind caught in a fog, as I was sitting across from my therapist.
It was our third session, and I still could not shake these feelings off.
I opened up to her about how I felt like I reached a plateau, and it wasn’t even very high in my standards. I also felt emotionally isolated, easily discarded.
After spilling my guts (as usual) and flowing my tears (quite often), my therapist asked me:
“Julia, have you ever considered the idea that you may have Aspergers or be on the spectrum?”
Even before I can register what she is saying, I say, “I’ve thought about it.” I’m not sure if I did, and I wasn’t trying to lie to anyone, but I think I said it automatically because I felt what she said made sense.
She ended up listing the things people on the spectrum have difficulty with (here and here):
-Fixation
-Difficulty sustaining friendships
-Inability to understanding what others are thinking and feeling
-Flexible thinking and problem solving–seeing the world in black and white
-Confuse verbal and non-verbal language in social contexts.
-Struggle to perceive nonverbal cues, communications, social situations
-Misunderstand unwritten rules that aren’t explicit yet are assumed intuitive
-Exaggeration in emotional responses
-Fail to respect interpersonal boundaries
-Abnormal response to sensory stimuli
These felt like cynical connotations. She did list some positives, but they felt vague and invaluable at the time. Every negative interaction in my life flashed before my eyes and thought I brought them on myself.
During the time of my autism assessments, second opinions, depression, physical health issues, everything snowballed, and I most certainly hit a low point, like Ingrid Goes West low (word of advice: never go on Instagram when depressed and isolated. Especially Instagram Stories).
After I hit a low point, that same week, I opened up to acquaintances who may or may not have judged me. I met up with an autistic advocate who was kind enough to grab lunch and hang out with me; it was interesting to meet someone on the spectrum who picked up on my autism and described my traits in ways specialists couldn’t. These are very gradual steps to progress and acceptance.
Existing resources for autism mostly cater to children, but not adults. Any for adults, I did not feel I was able to relate nor agree.
What will help someone on the spectrum during Emerging Adulthood navigate tasks, autonomy, friendship, love, wisdom, and strength?
Frankly, I do not know.
All I can do is reflect, be honest, share what I am learning, and hope someone who needs the same help I do can find comfort and learn something useful. I never want people to hit my low point, and if they already did, I want them to move past it.
Plus, no one talks about the positives of autism. That is a list for another day.
These are the reasons why I came out as autistic.